MOVED

Hey, if you ran across this blog, I've moved. Please visit my new site at:
http://www.douglasthomaswallace.com

Thanks,
Douglas T. Wallace

Fatherhood

Being a new father and having one the cutest kids in the world, I couldn’t imagine writing this song; even for a laugh. But since Stephen Lynch is way more fucked up than I am and since he is the one who wrote it, not me, I’ll go ahead and pass it along.

Rent-a-Book Program

I was standing in Borders today looking around and the thought came to me, wouldn’t it be great if there was a place you could go and just “rent” a book you wanted to read then bring it back? Like a Blockbuster for books or something like that?

Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? I’m tired of spending thousands of dollars on books every year.

I read books on business, marketing, architecture, art, writing, and let’s not forget David Sedaris. I’m addicted to David Sedaris. I own every book he’s written.

The problem is, once I’ve read a book once, I usually don’t pick it up again. So now I have stacks upon stacks of magazines and books piled up in milk crates like The Great Wall of China behind my Lazy-boy.

Why hasn’t the government done anything about this? This is an outrage and I’m going to get to the bottom of this. Why should big bookstores and giant corporate publishing houses make millions off of what should be freely available to the public?

I think I’m going to start a non-profit or something where people can donate books and everyone can read them freely. I mean the ideas are free. The author’s just used their brains and organized the ideas and then put them down on paper; that didn’t cost anything. Why shouldn’t these free ideas be made available to the public for free?

If you’re as outraged as I am, I suggest you write your Congressman and ask them to start a program for free books. Do some research first as you don’t want to look silly by not knowing how to explain to them exactly what kind of program you want them to help you start. The first place I would suggest looking into this idea would be at a place a friend recommended to me. It sounded more like a fruit than a place to do serious research. He called it, "a lie-berry."

Running fast but going nowhere

Well, I took my own advice today as far as a Resolution goes. I got up at the butt-crack of dawn and ran on the treadmill. Actually it was more of a walk with two minutes of running thrown in.

Why would I subject myself to this early morning torture? Because I’m getting to the point that I’m afraid to sit down. I seriously think that my shirt buttons are going to start flying off and put someone’s eye out.

I’m also afraid to buy bigger clothes because then I’ll become too comfortable with my fatness and not try to lose any weight. Then in another year or so, I’ll start the whole process over again. Life’s just a giant treadmill in that way, running fast but going nowhere.

Here’s the thing, I started exercising a week before Christmas. I’ve been fairly consistent, meaning, I’ve been consistently running on the treadmill, sporadically, 1-3 times a week for five weeks now. When I stepped on the scale yesterday, I was very surprised to learn that I was exactly the same weight I was five weeks ago. I mean, I did have BBQ ribs three days in a row, but still, I should have lost something right?

So now I’m just going to make my exercise plan part of my after work routine. I have a gym literally eighteen steps from my office door. And if you can’t make it to the gym when it’s that close, you’ll never make it no matter where it is.

Honestly, I haven’t really thought about weight too much until this year. And I’m starting to find out it’s only because I can’t lose it like I used to that I’m thinking about it at all. All through my life I’ve been able to drop 10 or 15 pounds in a week or two. Now I haven’t dropped any in five weeks. Looks like I’ll have to cut out my cake, cookies, and Ben and Jerry’s. But my wife is making Brats tonight, so maybe I’ll just have to do an extra fifteen minutes on the treadmill because I’m definitely having two of those puppies. And I'll just have to see what she has for desert before I make up my mind on that, because life’s just a giant treadmill in that way, running fast but going nowhere.


Check out my short-stories on my “pythons” and manners published at
http://www.bartlebysnopes.com

Still Resolutioning?

Well, it's almost the end of the first month of the new decade. How is your New Year's Resolution coming along? That good huh?

I think most people make a Resolution to stop some sort vice and to start exercising and to lose weight. Well my vice is writing. So instead of stopping something this year, I went the opposite way.

My New Year's Resolution was to get 12 things published this year. I didn't set my goals on The Rolling Stone or The New Yorker. I left my options open. And after submitting quite a few stories, I finally broke through and got two stories accepted by http://www.bartlebysnopes.com/ The stories are supposed to be published Feb. 1st exactly one month after I started my New Year's Resolution. So HA! to you slackers.

Now if you've already fallen off the wagon, this is your Tony Robbins speech for the day. You don't have to wait until next year to start trying. Instead, start at the beginning of February. And just for you, I'm going to give you this clip to watch to get you motivated.

Now get back on that that proverbial treadmill and "Run Forest Run!"

Cracked Back

Well I've done it again. No, I'm not talking about another last minute post for a blog that no one reads, I threw out my back again.

Was I lifting weights, you ask?

Nope. No weights.

Practicing Ju-jitsu?

No MMA for me.

So what then?

Drying off my feet.

Huh?

I got out of the shower and was drying off my feet. And yes, I was stuck there, naked, then I had to duck-walk from the bathroom to my bed where I spent the next three days on and off. I went to the chiropractor three times and even he wasn't able to crack it back yet.

That's when you know you're getting old. When you throw your back out doing nothing physical at all. The last time I threw it out I was getting off the toilet. TMI? That's ok, no one's reading this anyway.

Poets and Writers Top 50 MFA Programs

If you spend more time researching creative writing programs than you do actually writing, then you need to pick up this month’s Poets and Writers magazine. Poets and Writers Top 50 MFA programs issue is a must have for anyone who is even considering MFA programs. They have done all the research you’ll ever need on MFA programs and have written an exhaustive explanation of how these programs got their rating.

Believe me when I say, I have spent at least 100 hours researching different MFA programs and there are schools on this list that I didn’t even know about.
The article also breaks down each MFA program by genre, class size, teaching to student ratio and almost anything else you could possibly be interested in knowing about MFA programs.

Buy the magazine and then after reading it, sit your butt down in a chair and start writing. After all, you’re going to have to send in two or three samples with your MFA applications.

http://www.pw.org/content/2010_mfa_rankings_top_fifty_0

Internet Famous vs. Mainstream Famous

Can you think of two famous ukulele players? If you’re not from Hawaii, there’s a good chance you can’t even think of one.

Being Internet famous is not the same thing as mainstream famous. Mainstream famous is where everyone in the general public knows who you are. Internet famous is much more focused; therefore you can get famous on the Internet much faster than you can in the mainstream.

Here is a girl who is making the transition from Internet famous to mainstream. She has had millions of views on YouTube and has over 140,000 subscribers. Because of her Internet fame, she was noticed by Ben Folds who invited her to tour with him. Here is a clip of Julia Nunes performing The Killers on her ukulele.

New Year's Resolutions

I am all for New Year’s Resolutions, even though I rarely keep them. Another year of promising myself I’ll exercise more and make more time for myself. I have been able to quit drinking, smoking and chewing tobacco but all three of those weren’t for Resolution Reasons. Those were more or less do or die situations and let's just leave it at that.

So this year, my resolution/goal is to write something everyday. I don’t care if it’s just a scribble in my notebook. I want to write something everyday. And from that, it’s my goal to get at least twelve things published this year. It doesn’t have to be published in the New Yorker or Playboy, although I’d like to have something published in both eventually. But for this year, I don’t care if its in a literary journal that only 500 people read, in a magazine, community newspaper or even on someone else’s website. By December 31, 2010, I want to have been published at least twelve times.

There you go. I put it out there, let’s see what happens. Don’t forget to set your goal whatever it is.

And oh btw, I’m counting this as my first writing exercise of the year.