MOVED

Hey, if you ran across this blog, I've moved. Please visit my new site at:
http://www.douglasthomaswallace.com

Thanks,
Douglas T. Wallace

Fatherhood

Being a new father and having one the cutest kids in the world, I couldn’t imagine writing this song; even for a laugh. But since Stephen Lynch is way more fucked up than I am and since he is the one who wrote it, not me, I’ll go ahead and pass it along.

Rent-a-Book Program

I was standing in Borders today looking around and the thought came to me, wouldn’t it be great if there was a place you could go and just “rent” a book you wanted to read then bring it back? Like a Blockbuster for books or something like that?

Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? I’m tired of spending thousands of dollars on books every year.

I read books on business, marketing, architecture, art, writing, and let’s not forget David Sedaris. I’m addicted to David Sedaris. I own every book he’s written.

The problem is, once I’ve read a book once, I usually don’t pick it up again. So now I have stacks upon stacks of magazines and books piled up in milk crates like The Great Wall of China behind my Lazy-boy.

Why hasn’t the government done anything about this? This is an outrage and I’m going to get to the bottom of this. Why should big bookstores and giant corporate publishing houses make millions off of what should be freely available to the public?

I think I’m going to start a non-profit or something where people can donate books and everyone can read them freely. I mean the ideas are free. The author’s just used their brains and organized the ideas and then put them down on paper; that didn’t cost anything. Why shouldn’t these free ideas be made available to the public for free?

If you’re as outraged as I am, I suggest you write your Congressman and ask them to start a program for free books. Do some research first as you don’t want to look silly by not knowing how to explain to them exactly what kind of program you want them to help you start. The first place I would suggest looking into this idea would be at a place a friend recommended to me. It sounded more like a fruit than a place to do serious research. He called it, "a lie-berry."

Running fast but going nowhere

Well, I took my own advice today as far as a Resolution goes. I got up at the butt-crack of dawn and ran on the treadmill. Actually it was more of a walk with two minutes of running thrown in.

Why would I subject myself to this early morning torture? Because I’m getting to the point that I’m afraid to sit down. I seriously think that my shirt buttons are going to start flying off and put someone’s eye out.

I’m also afraid to buy bigger clothes because then I’ll become too comfortable with my fatness and not try to lose any weight. Then in another year or so, I’ll start the whole process over again. Life’s just a giant treadmill in that way, running fast but going nowhere.

Here’s the thing, I started exercising a week before Christmas. I’ve been fairly consistent, meaning, I’ve been consistently running on the treadmill, sporadically, 1-3 times a week for five weeks now. When I stepped on the scale yesterday, I was very surprised to learn that I was exactly the same weight I was five weeks ago. I mean, I did have BBQ ribs three days in a row, but still, I should have lost something right?

So now I’m just going to make my exercise plan part of my after work routine. I have a gym literally eighteen steps from my office door. And if you can’t make it to the gym when it’s that close, you’ll never make it no matter where it is.

Honestly, I haven’t really thought about weight too much until this year. And I’m starting to find out it’s only because I can’t lose it like I used to that I’m thinking about it at all. All through my life I’ve been able to drop 10 or 15 pounds in a week or two. Now I haven’t dropped any in five weeks. Looks like I’ll have to cut out my cake, cookies, and Ben and Jerry’s. But my wife is making Brats tonight, so maybe I’ll just have to do an extra fifteen minutes on the treadmill because I’m definitely having two of those puppies. And I'll just have to see what she has for desert before I make up my mind on that, because life’s just a giant treadmill in that way, running fast but going nowhere.


Check out my short-stories on my “pythons” and manners published at
http://www.bartlebysnopes.com

Still Resolutioning?

Well, it's almost the end of the first month of the new decade. How is your New Year's Resolution coming along? That good huh?

I think most people make a Resolution to stop some sort vice and to start exercising and to lose weight. Well my vice is writing. So instead of stopping something this year, I went the opposite way.

My New Year's Resolution was to get 12 things published this year. I didn't set my goals on The Rolling Stone or The New Yorker. I left my options open. And after submitting quite a few stories, I finally broke through and got two stories accepted by http://www.bartlebysnopes.com/ The stories are supposed to be published Feb. 1st exactly one month after I started my New Year's Resolution. So HA! to you slackers.

Now if you've already fallen off the wagon, this is your Tony Robbins speech for the day. You don't have to wait until next year to start trying. Instead, start at the beginning of February. And just for you, I'm going to give you this clip to watch to get you motivated.

Now get back on that that proverbial treadmill and "Run Forest Run!"

Cracked Back

Well I've done it again. No, I'm not talking about another last minute post for a blog that no one reads, I threw out my back again.

Was I lifting weights, you ask?

Nope. No weights.

Practicing Ju-jitsu?

No MMA for me.

So what then?

Drying off my feet.

Huh?

I got out of the shower and was drying off my feet. And yes, I was stuck there, naked, then I had to duck-walk from the bathroom to my bed where I spent the next three days on and off. I went to the chiropractor three times and even he wasn't able to crack it back yet.

That's when you know you're getting old. When you throw your back out doing nothing physical at all. The last time I threw it out I was getting off the toilet. TMI? That's ok, no one's reading this anyway.

Poets and Writers Top 50 MFA Programs

If you spend more time researching creative writing programs than you do actually writing, then you need to pick up this month’s Poets and Writers magazine. Poets and Writers Top 50 MFA programs issue is a must have for anyone who is even considering MFA programs. They have done all the research you’ll ever need on MFA programs and have written an exhaustive explanation of how these programs got their rating.

Believe me when I say, I have spent at least 100 hours researching different MFA programs and there are schools on this list that I didn’t even know about.
The article also breaks down each MFA program by genre, class size, teaching to student ratio and almost anything else you could possibly be interested in knowing about MFA programs.

Buy the magazine and then after reading it, sit your butt down in a chair and start writing. After all, you’re going to have to send in two or three samples with your MFA applications.

http://www.pw.org/content/2010_mfa_rankings_top_fifty_0

Internet Famous vs. Mainstream Famous

Can you think of two famous ukulele players? If you’re not from Hawaii, there’s a good chance you can’t even think of one.

Being Internet famous is not the same thing as mainstream famous. Mainstream famous is where everyone in the general public knows who you are. Internet famous is much more focused; therefore you can get famous on the Internet much faster than you can in the mainstream.

Here is a girl who is making the transition from Internet famous to mainstream. She has had millions of views on YouTube and has over 140,000 subscribers. Because of her Internet fame, she was noticed by Ben Folds who invited her to tour with him. Here is a clip of Julia Nunes performing The Killers on her ukulele.

New Year's Resolutions

I am all for New Year’s Resolutions, even though I rarely keep them. Another year of promising myself I’ll exercise more and make more time for myself. I have been able to quit drinking, smoking and chewing tobacco but all three of those weren’t for Resolution Reasons. Those were more or less do or die situations and let's just leave it at that.

So this year, my resolution/goal is to write something everyday. I don’t care if it’s just a scribble in my notebook. I want to write something everyday. And from that, it’s my goal to get at least twelve things published this year. It doesn’t have to be published in the New Yorker or Playboy, although I’d like to have something published in both eventually. But for this year, I don’t care if its in a literary journal that only 500 people read, in a magazine, community newspaper or even on someone else’s website. By December 31, 2010, I want to have been published at least twelve times.

There you go. I put it out there, let’s see what happens. Don’t forget to set your goal whatever it is.

And oh btw, I’m counting this as my first writing exercise of the year.

All the people who died, died

This is just a quick list of some people who died this year. The title of this post is from a song Jim Carroll wrote and sang. He also wrote the Basketball Diaries that help launch Leonardo DiCaprio’s career into the stratosphere. Carroll also died, died, this year.

1. Michael Jackson—love’em or hate’em he was about as influential as they get.

2. Les Paul—indirectly the most influential person in music recording history. His guitar and multi-track recording will live on forever.

3. Farrah Fawchett—created a hairdo of a decade and her poster helped young boys more than she ever intended.

4. Patrick Swayze—Forget Ghost and Dirty Dancing, Road House was a bad-ass movie.

5. Brittany Murphy—definitely doable in Clueless and 8 mile.

6. John Hughes—shout out for the 80’s movies, mainly Breakfast Club and 16 Candles.

7. Bea Arthur—only because I used to watch Golden Girls, but her career span five decades and if you’re in showbiz that long, you deserve a shout-out.

8. David Carradine—Every UFC fighter were influenced by this man whether they admit it or not. Respect that Grasshopper.

9. Ed McMahon—“Heeerrreee’s Johnny”

10. Dom DeLuise—Blazing Saddles anyone?

11. Walter Cronkite—America’s most trusted man.

12. Mary Travers—from Peter, Paul and Mary. She’ll have little kids singing the drug-referenced Puff the Magic Dragon song for years to come.

13. Billy Mays—The World’s Best Pitchman, “Billy Mays here!”

14. Frank McCort—Pulitzer Prize winner, wrote Angela’s Ashes, Teacher Man and Tis.

15. John Updike—two-time Pulitzer Prize-winner.

16./17. Billy Powell and Donald Evans, both members of Lynyrd Skynyrd, died this year. I can guarantee rednecks all over America will still be yelling out, “Freeeeebiiiird!” at concerts that aren’t even remotely related to Skynyrd.

18. Roy Disney—credited with resurrecting Disney in the 90’s.
There were other celebrity deaths, but I’m not old enough to know who they were. If you want to find out more you can look them up yourself at:

http://wonderwall.msn.com/movies/year-in-review-in-memoriam-5251.gallery?GT1=28134#wallState=1__/movies/year-in-review-year-in-celebrity-4908.gallery

A Decade in Reflection

I read many online newsletters. One of my favorite’s is from a man named Yanik Silver. I will say in advance that I don’t buy any of his products, but I do find him interesting.

In his last post, Yanik talked about the fact that most of the times people don’t take stock of what they’ve accomplished. He basically said, “We look to the horizon, not realizing we’ll never get there.” And when we do this, we constantly stay disappointed even when we have minor victories.

I have always been a New Year’s Resolution kinda guy. I rarely remember what they were by the end of the year, but still, I try and think of something I’m going to do next year that I wasn’t able to do this year. I’ve already decided that next year I want to get published at least twelve times. It doesn’t matter if it’s in books, magazines or even someone else's ezine. I’m putting myself and my work out there this year.

But in the spirit of Yanik’s idea of looking back to take stock in my accomplishments, here is a list of what I’ve done in the last 10 years:

12/00 Graduated from UM-St. Louis with a B.S. in Criminology and Criminal Justice, one of the top 5 CJ schools in the country.

7/01 After 10+ years of working I got my first job with benefits, Mon-Fri, weekends and holidays off.

2002—I bought my first house at age 26 and started dating Tejal

2003 Tejal and I got engaged and started working at the jail. Bought my car in cash, then again I’ve bought every car in cash except one.

2004 Got married.

2005 I received my Masters in Communications with a 4.0 GPA from Lindenwood.

1/07 Went to five cities in India and saw the Taj Mahal.

02/2007 Starting writing India book.

2006-2008 Took tons of writers workshops through Community College, Washington Univ. in St. Louis and Writers Guild.

5/09 Became the training coordinator for 120 Officers and 20+ support staff. Tejal and I celebrated our fifth anniversary.

9-19-09 My daughter was born.

10-09 We bought a new house and have a rental, although that was not really wanted.

Since my wife and I have been married we’ve averaged 2-3 trips a year together. We’ve been to Memphis, The Ozarks, Chicago twice, Roanoke VA, Mexico/Mayan Rivera/Cozumel twice, five cites in India, San Francisco, a Cruise to Key West and Cozumel—which should have been the Bahamas but there was a hurricane, Texas, Arizona, Colorado, Las Vegas and the airports in London and Frankfurt—which I know don’t count as a trip but I can say, “Been there!” when it comes up in conversation.

Looking back, this decade was pretty good to me. I have met tons of new friends. I tried tons of new things and some bad things too. But luckily I made it through alive, I know a couple of people who didn’t.

I also know the next decade will be the big one for me career wise. It’s on to bigger and better things. And although I’ve had a pretty good career, satisfaction wise, I’m ready for the next piece of the puzzle to fall into place.

I want an Avatar

I finally watched Avatar last night. The plot line is the age old story of imperialists come to conquer the indigenous people because they are sitting on something the imperialists want.
This time the mineral the imperialists want is called Unatainium—good play on words James Cameron. Of course this mineral is directly below the indigenous people’s most holy tree. The imperialists don’t care. Let the ass-kicking begin.
If you haven’t watched it, you have to see it in 3D. It costs a few bucks more to see the 3D version. This is not the time to be a tight wad. If you can’t afford the three extra dollars, then go next week when you can.
Here’s the trailer:

Geeks and Nerds vs. Jocks

I wasn't a Nerd or Geek in high school. I wasn't a considered a Jock either since I didn't play sports. I think I was more of a Slacker, but I totally consider myself a Geek now and John Hodgman is my hero. This is his roast of President Obama.

126

My most embarrassing short story is the very first thing of mine being published in print. The Criminal Class Review has decided to print my short-story entitled 126. It’s about my experience with a lovely girl when I first moved back to St. Louis; and how after we were done making love, she told me I was her 126th lover. Sulking ensues.

Here is a link to CCR’s website: http://www.criminalclasspress.com/

Moses the Holy Cow

If you haven’t heard, this week a Connecticut dairy farmer named Brad Davis found one of his newborn calves had a cross in the middle of his forehead. This someone caused a media blitz about “Moses-the Holy Cow.”
If you happened to have seen a picture of Moses, you’ll notice that it’s not even that a good cross. I mean, if it were a tattoo on my shoulder, I’d be kicking the shit out of the tattoo artist.
I’m always amazed that people claim to see things that are there, but only kind of, and then actually call the news media to come look at it. Then when them media gets out there, instead of saying, “That shit doesn’t look like a cross,” they actually air the story. “Well we’re already here,” the reporter says, “might as well get some footage of this piece of French toast that looks like Jesus.”
What I want to know is, would anyone drive out to film that same piece of image-burned French toast if the person calling said, “Quick! You gotta get out here. I’ve got a picture of the Zig Zag Man burned into my bread.”?

Here's a link if you need more,
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/34352408/ns/today-today_pets_and_animals/

Tiger Woods Cheated On His Wife For That?!

With all the chatter on TV and the Internet about Tiger Woods crashing his car and possibly cheating on his wife, I felt obligated to write something about it. But since I could care less about that than a monkey flinging poop at someone, I’m going to let Phillip DeFranco from The New Phillip DeFranco Show tell you all about it.

Never again Google, never again

Just when the popular kids were starting to accept me, I let them realize how much I appreciated it and they dropped me like a big dog dropping a steaming pile of shit on a cold winter’s day.

No I’m talking about anybody in particular, it’s worse; I’m talking about an algorithm. I happened to mention that I was number #6 when you Google my name and poof! They moved me to page 5 and then somewhere past page 10. And let's face it, if you're past 3 you might as well be one page 1,000,000.

Well never again Google, never again will I confess my love for you out loud. What does your bitch-ass have to say about that?

I know what I'll do. I’ll call you every name in the book, smack you around a little, treat Ike treated Tina and you’ll come running right back to me I just know it.

We’ll see Google, We’ll see.

And by the way, the reason Douglas Thomas Wallace should be listed at the top of page one on your site is because really, who's going to Google Douglas Thomas Wallace. The only person who would do that would be Douglas Thomas Wallace himself.

Also Bob Marley Never Smoked Pot should be listed there too, because everyone knows Bob Marley did in fact smoke pot, so Bob Marley Never Smoked Pot, which is the name of this blog, should be listed on page 1 too. In case someone is actually reading this rant, Bob Marley Never Smoked Pot is the title I gave to an essay I wrote when I tried telling my stepdad that Bob Marley never smoked pot...in my defense I was about 13 and didn't know any better.

Here's a post with Bob Marley telling talking about his own philosphy on the herb.

Flash Fiction and Short-Short Stories

Flash Fiction and Short-Short Stories are also sometimes called Micro-fiction or Sudden Fiction. Usually the parameters are that the stories are less than 1000 words and they have the classic story elements: a protagonist, conflict, a dilemma of some sort and resolution.

There are several books out there on Flash Fiction. The first one I read was called
Flash Fiction 72 Very Short Stories edited by James Thomas, Denise Thomas and Tom Hazuka.

The second book I got in this style was called Micro Fiction An Anthology of Really Short Stories, edited by Jerome Stern who was a Professor in English at Florida State University. At the time, the stories had to be, “about 250 words long.”

Stern died in 1996 but The Southeast Review published by FSU has a contest every year called The World’s Best Short-Short. I think they’ve increased the word count to 500 words or less. I happen to like the 250 word stories better.

Another type of Flash Fiction is called 55 Fiction which is a term coined by New Times founder and publisher Steve Moss. The name of his book is The World’s Shortest Stories. In the 55 Fiction genre requires the story to has to be 55 words or less, not including the title. You need to be Ginsu-knife precise to write a story in 55 words or less. Often 55- stories usually have a last sentence shock or a surprise in the last sentence that completely changes the story.

Steve Moss has passed away since his book was first published, but the 55 words or less genre copyright is still owned by Moss's family. It seems spooky to me that two of the major contributors to the Flash Fiction genre have already passed away. Both of their lives were like their work, short and to the point.


Here’s my very own 55 Fiction story:

Death for Breakfast

He sat down at the breakfast table and stared DEATH in the face. His eyes drifted off into the whiteness of the bowl, DEATH floated inches from his eyes.
I’m too young for this crap, he thought to himself.
“Honey,” he yelled. “Don’t ever buy Alphabet Cereal again.”



…if you count’em you’ll notice it was only 51 words; including the title.

Goo-Goo For Google

Without doing much with my new blog, I already reached number #6 when you Google Douglas Thomas Wallace. Then I realized, who in the hell is going to do that? So I’m going to try a different tactic. I’m going to try signing my blog with just Douglas Wallace and see what happens.

What the hell does this have to do with anything, you might be asking? I’m trying an experiment on Search Engine Optimization, not knowing a thing about it. And since no one is reading this right now anyway, it really doesn’t matter.
Douglas Wallace

IT at its finest

This is exactly what it feels like talking to our IS/IT department. Although, if you're looking at this right now, please forgive me and don't turn off my computer.
Thanks.