Never again Google, never again

Just when the popular kids were starting to accept me, I let them realize how much I appreciated it and they dropped me like a big dog dropping a steaming pile of shit on a cold winter’s day.

No I’m talking about anybody in particular, it’s worse; I’m talking about an algorithm. I happened to mention that I was number #6 when you Google my name and poof! They moved me to page 5 and then somewhere past page 10. And let's face it, if you're past 3 you might as well be one page 1,000,000.

Well never again Google, never again will I confess my love for you out loud. What does your bitch-ass have to say about that?

I know what I'll do. I’ll call you every name in the book, smack you around a little, treat Ike treated Tina and you’ll come running right back to me I just know it.

We’ll see Google, We’ll see.

And by the way, the reason Douglas Thomas Wallace should be listed at the top of page one on your site is because really, who's going to Google Douglas Thomas Wallace. The only person who would do that would be Douglas Thomas Wallace himself.

Also Bob Marley Never Smoked Pot should be listed there too, because everyone knows Bob Marley did in fact smoke pot, so Bob Marley Never Smoked Pot, which is the name of this blog, should be listed on page 1 too. In case someone is actually reading this rant, Bob Marley Never Smoked Pot is the title I gave to an essay I wrote when I tried telling my stepdad that Bob Marley never smoked pot...in my defense I was about 13 and didn't know any better.

Here's a post with Bob Marley telling talking about his own philosphy on the herb.

Flash Fiction and Short-Short Stories

Flash Fiction and Short-Short Stories are also sometimes called Micro-fiction or Sudden Fiction. Usually the parameters are that the stories are less than 1000 words and they have the classic story elements: a protagonist, conflict, a dilemma of some sort and resolution.

There are several books out there on Flash Fiction. The first one I read was called
Flash Fiction 72 Very Short Stories edited by James Thomas, Denise Thomas and Tom Hazuka.

The second book I got in this style was called Micro Fiction An Anthology of Really Short Stories, edited by Jerome Stern who was a Professor in English at Florida State University. At the time, the stories had to be, “about 250 words long.”

Stern died in 1996 but The Southeast Review published by FSU has a contest every year called The World’s Best Short-Short. I think they’ve increased the word count to 500 words or less. I happen to like the 250 word stories better.

Another type of Flash Fiction is called 55 Fiction which is a term coined by New Times founder and publisher Steve Moss. The name of his book is The World’s Shortest Stories. In the 55 Fiction genre requires the story to has to be 55 words or less, not including the title. You need to be Ginsu-knife precise to write a story in 55 words or less. Often 55- stories usually have a last sentence shock or a surprise in the last sentence that completely changes the story.

Steve Moss has passed away since his book was first published, but the 55 words or less genre copyright is still owned by Moss's family. It seems spooky to me that two of the major contributors to the Flash Fiction genre have already passed away. Both of their lives were like their work, short and to the point.


Here’s my very own 55 Fiction story:

Death for Breakfast

He sat down at the breakfast table and stared DEATH in the face. His eyes drifted off into the whiteness of the bowl, DEATH floated inches from his eyes.
I’m too young for this crap, he thought to himself.
“Honey,” he yelled. “Don’t ever buy Alphabet Cereal again.”



…if you count’em you’ll notice it was only 51 words; including the title.

Goo-Goo For Google

Without doing much with my new blog, I already reached number #6 when you Google Douglas Thomas Wallace. Then I realized, who in the hell is going to do that? So I’m going to try a different tactic. I’m going to try signing my blog with just Douglas Wallace and see what happens.

What the hell does this have to do with anything, you might be asking? I’m trying an experiment on Search Engine Optimization, not knowing a thing about it. And since no one is reading this right now anyway, it really doesn’t matter.
Douglas Wallace

IT at its finest

This is exactly what it feels like talking to our IS/IT department. Although, if you're looking at this right now, please forgive me and don't turn off my computer.
Thanks.

Bloggers could be fined $11000 by the FTC. Is paid speech still free?

Bloggers could be fined $11000 by the FTC.

This excerpt is from an article published by Slate.com, “The FTC put bloggers on notice that they could incur an $11,000 fine if they receive free goods, free services, or money and write about the goods or services without conspicuously disclosing their "material connection" to the provider. The FTC guidelines extend even to Facebook and Twitter posters.”

So is speech that's paid for still considered free speech? Apparently the FTC doesn't feel that it's free if you get paid for it.

I will say, for the record, that I have not been paid by anyone, for anything, on this blog. But if you would like to pay me, for anything, please contact me through this blog. All donations will be given to my wife and our needy child fund.

For the full article from Slate.com please click on the link http://www.slate.com/id/2231808/

Hugh Laurie before he was Dr. House

Long before he was Dr. House, Hugh Laurie played on various comedy shows in England.
I think I like him more as a dark, depressed genius with an American accent better.

David Sedaris on David Letterman - Stadium Pal

David Sedaris is a Rock Star in the literary world. Humor is one of the hardest genres to write in and David Sedaris is a true master of the form. Sedaris can take a sow's ear and turn it into a silk purse weaving his wares with the keyboard.

Here is David Sedaris on Letterman describing the Stadium Pal. Now those lines for the bathroom shouldn't be a problem.