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Douglas T. Wallace
Friday, February 12, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Fatherhood
Being a new father and having one the cutest kids in the world, I couldn’t imagine writing this song; even for a laugh. But since Stephen Lynch is way more fucked up than I am and since he is the one who wrote it, not me, I’ll go ahead and pass it along.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Rent-a-Book Program
I was standing in Borders today looking around and the thought came to me, wouldn’t it be great if there was a place you could go and just “rent” a book you wanted to read then bring it back? Like a Blockbuster for books or something like that?
Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? I’m tired of spending thousands of dollars on books every year.
I read books on business, marketing, architecture, art, writing, and let’s not forget David Sedaris. I’m addicted to David Sedaris. I own every book he’s written.
The problem is, once I’ve read a book once, I usually don’t pick it up again. So now I have stacks upon stacks of magazines and books piled up in milk crates like The Great Wall of China behind my Lazy-boy.
Why hasn’t the government done anything about this? This is an outrage and I’m going to get to the bottom of this. Why should big bookstores and giant corporate publishing houses make millions off of what should be freely available to the public?
I think I’m going to start a non-profit or something where people can donate books and everyone can read them freely. I mean the ideas are free. The author’s just used their brains and organized the ideas and then put them down on paper; that didn’t cost anything. Why shouldn’t these free ideas be made available to the public for free?
If you’re as outraged as I am, I suggest you write your Congressman and ask them to start a program for free books. Do some research first as you don’t want to look silly by not knowing how to explain to them exactly what kind of program you want them to help you start. The first place I would suggest looking into this idea would be at a place a friend recommended to me. It sounded more like a fruit than a place to do serious research. He called it, "a lie-berry."
Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? I’m tired of spending thousands of dollars on books every year.
I read books on business, marketing, architecture, art, writing, and let’s not forget David Sedaris. I’m addicted to David Sedaris. I own every book he’s written.
The problem is, once I’ve read a book once, I usually don’t pick it up again. So now I have stacks upon stacks of magazines and books piled up in milk crates like The Great Wall of China behind my Lazy-boy.
Why hasn’t the government done anything about this? This is an outrage and I’m going to get to the bottom of this. Why should big bookstores and giant corporate publishing houses make millions off of what should be freely available to the public?
I think I’m going to start a non-profit or something where people can donate books and everyone can read them freely. I mean the ideas are free. The author’s just used their brains and organized the ideas and then put them down on paper; that didn’t cost anything. Why shouldn’t these free ideas be made available to the public for free?
If you’re as outraged as I am, I suggest you write your Congressman and ask them to start a program for free books. Do some research first as you don’t want to look silly by not knowing how to explain to them exactly what kind of program you want them to help you start. The first place I would suggest looking into this idea would be at a place a friend recommended to me. It sounded more like a fruit than a place to do serious research. He called it, "a lie-berry."
Monday, February 1, 2010
Running fast but going nowhere
Well, I took my own advice today as far as a Resolution goes. I got up at the butt-crack of dawn and ran on the treadmill. Actually it was more of a walk with two minutes of running thrown in.
Why would I subject myself to this early morning torture? Because I’m getting to the point that I’m afraid to sit down. I seriously think that my shirt buttons are going to start flying off and put someone’s eye out.
I’m also afraid to buy bigger clothes because then I’ll become too comfortable with my fatness and not try to lose any weight. Then in another year or so, I’ll start the whole process over again. Life’s just a giant treadmill in that way, running fast but going nowhere.
Here’s the thing, I started exercising a week before Christmas. I’ve been fairly consistent, meaning, I’ve been consistently running on the treadmill, sporadically, 1-3 times a week for five weeks now. When I stepped on the scale yesterday, I was very surprised to learn that I was exactly the same weight I was five weeks ago. I mean, I did have BBQ ribs three days in a row, but still, I should have lost something right?
So now I’m just going to make my exercise plan part of my after work routine. I have a gym literally eighteen steps from my office door. And if you can’t make it to the gym when it’s that close, you’ll never make it no matter where it is.
Honestly, I haven’t really thought about weight too much until this year. And I’m starting to find out it’s only because I can’t lose it like I used to that I’m thinking about it at all. All through my life I’ve been able to drop 10 or 15 pounds in a week or two. Now I haven’t dropped any in five weeks. Looks like I’ll have to cut out my cake, cookies, and Ben and Jerry’s. But my wife is making Brats tonight, so maybe I’ll just have to do an extra fifteen minutes on the treadmill because I’m definitely having two of those puppies. And I'll just have to see what she has for desert before I make up my mind on that, because life’s just a giant treadmill in that way, running fast but going nowhere.
Check out my short-stories on my “pythons” and manners published at
http://www.bartlebysnopes.com
Why would I subject myself to this early morning torture? Because I’m getting to the point that I’m afraid to sit down. I seriously think that my shirt buttons are going to start flying off and put someone’s eye out.
I’m also afraid to buy bigger clothes because then I’ll become too comfortable with my fatness and not try to lose any weight. Then in another year or so, I’ll start the whole process over again. Life’s just a giant treadmill in that way, running fast but going nowhere.
Here’s the thing, I started exercising a week before Christmas. I’ve been fairly consistent, meaning, I’ve been consistently running on the treadmill, sporadically, 1-3 times a week for five weeks now. When I stepped on the scale yesterday, I was very surprised to learn that I was exactly the same weight I was five weeks ago. I mean, I did have BBQ ribs three days in a row, but still, I should have lost something right?
So now I’m just going to make my exercise plan part of my after work routine. I have a gym literally eighteen steps from my office door. And if you can’t make it to the gym when it’s that close, you’ll never make it no matter where it is.
Honestly, I haven’t really thought about weight too much until this year. And I’m starting to find out it’s only because I can’t lose it like I used to that I’m thinking about it at all. All through my life I’ve been able to drop 10 or 15 pounds in a week or two. Now I haven’t dropped any in five weeks. Looks like I’ll have to cut out my cake, cookies, and Ben and Jerry’s. But my wife is making Brats tonight, so maybe I’ll just have to do an extra fifteen minutes on the treadmill because I’m definitely having two of those puppies. And I'll just have to see what she has for desert before I make up my mind on that, because life’s just a giant treadmill in that way, running fast but going nowhere.
Check out my short-stories on my “pythons” and manners published at
http://www.bartlebysnopes.com
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